Consider it Pure Joy.. Wait! Even Pain?

Experiencing pain is something I've done pretty much my entire life. At the age of 20, I began to succumb to migraine headaches. These migraines were not the "couple days a month/few times a year" type of migraine: these were full-on, 20 hours a day, wake me up from sleep, hurts to blink, type of migraine which would last as many as 24 days per month. What I thought was one really long-lasting migraine which I could suppress a bit with the medication, but not actually make go away, I came to know were actually 3 - 5 migraines per day. Sometimes behind my eyes, sometimes at the base of my neck, sometimes in my ears, sometimes in my sinuses, sometimes on one or the other side of my head.. but always, pain, excruciating pain. 

I was blessed. I had full treatment options due to being in the military. Afterwards, I was in college and I got greatly discounted treatment at the campus clinic. I even learned biofeedback while attending UT, which is a fancy way of saying, "teaching yourself to relax" but it worked, and it cost nothing!

I was in the Air Force when I was diagnosed, so I never had the option of sitting in my darkened room, waiting for relief because I was a US Airman and I had to report to duty or be dead, basically. This helped me to understand that I'd much rather be doing something and distracted from the pain than sitting alone in the dark thinking about how much my head/face/teeth/neck/eyes/scalp hurt.

In addition to that, I have always been a "glass half full" kind of gal.. actually, I see the glass as completely full, half of liquid and half of air - the stuff you can't see but that lifts you up! :) I have told myself since day one of discovering that I got migraines, "It could be worse, you could have _____________." (fill in the blank with something incurable, deadly, incapacitating, etc.)

Fast forward; somewhere around 13 years ago (around age 34), I began to experience pretty bad pain at the base of my skull, neck, top of my back, and shoulder area. It gets better and worse and I have been managing it with epidual steroid injections, cervical epidural steroid injections, intermittent-use muscle relaxers, and stretching and rolling with special hard foam rollers.

At the age of 43 or 44 (about 3 or 4 years ago), I got adult onset epilepsy - 😳 - BOOM! out of the blue... cuz I didn't have enough going on, I guess! Actually, I thought, "I guess God has a really high idea of what I can handle!"

About 2 years ago, the pain in my back became much worse and the steroid injections stopped working as well. So, I had a different procedure done, called a Radio Frequency Ablation which burns the nerve causing the pain. (don't let the doc in this video fool ya', that "mild discomfort you may feel" is down-right some of the most intense pain of my life! and that, my friend, is saying something!)

Unfortunately for those with my condition, nerves grow back, so less than year later, the pain came back and brought some friends. Until the last 6 months of so, that pain has been manageable, but as of the last 6 months, I'm at the point of pain meds every day (although I actually, I try to skip it to every OTHER day so I don't become dependent on them).

Again, I praise God that I live in a first world country and have access to the best healthcare on the planet. And again, I thank Christ for not having something worse. I do have to take medicine daily for my epilepsy and migraines, but I am still able to have a life and live independently.

Occasionally, it does get to me... the neck/shoulder/upper back pain especially gets to me. And it is in those times I get miserable and feel sorry for myself and whine and cry and lash out at God. I will cry out and ask Him, "What do you want me to learn? What is it that I'm not seeing? I praise You for this, but I ask for healing should it be Your will. If it's not Your will for my healing, Lord, then please show me why!!" Then when I calm down and rest, it is then when I am ready most to listen to Him... even though He is talking to me always.

I have long considered the first chapter of James to be my "life verse." 😂😂😂  A life verse is something to which you feel especially drawn, or it could be something someone speaks over you. It can be for your entire life or for a season. For me, it's been the last several years that the entire first chapter of James, but especially James 1:2 has just spoken to my heart and I've held it dear; partially for the pain I've experienced daily, partially for other various daily ins and outs. It reads like this:

So, whenever trials of any shape, size, or significance arise, I simply say this verse to myself. I even broke it down, word by word in the original Greek, and studied it. The word "joy" here means to have the kind of exuberant exhilaration and excitement one would have at, say a concert or live sporting event... literally jumping up and down for joy! what what!??! for my trials?

Even with my vast lifetime of experience at swallowing medications, that was a tough pill to swallow! (*groan*, I know)  But, eventually, I was able to take heart in times of trouble and tribulation and praise the Lord with thanksgiving. It's an ongoing struggle, don't get me wrong! My back hurts sometimes so badly I'm almost crying to get up out of bed, to lie down, to stand up, to sit.. On those days, it is particularly challenging to "JUMP FOR JOY." It is also on those days I remind myself that I am still ABLE to do so and it is my choice to live for the Lord or to let the evil one have a victory. Sometimes those praises sound like, "Okay, Lord, I don't understand but I'll praise You anyway" but throughout the day, I count it victory when it is able to work itself up to a "Hallelujah! You are my God and I'm so glad to have You!! Without You, even with these struggles I wouldn't be able to handle."

I had a thought one day, what if the reason I am going through what I am is because one of my precious littles will face something even worse, but will look back and remember my strength, given to me through Christ Jesus, will support them and keep them secure and safe and on track with Him.

I was going somewhere else with this completely when I started, but I'll end it here, trusting God has a point for my digression.